freshly painted pink walls up ahead // journal entry
yes—it’s me. the girl that publishes her journal entries to her blog like it’s normal behavior.
here you’ll find a few small thoughts i scribbled into my journal this morning while embracing my first cup of coffee. i hope some piece of this give you hope—or maybe it will gives you a “hey, me too.” moment. that’s all i could ever want. //
sunday, january 20, 2019.
it’s 2019. the year i declared i’d work really hard yet i often find myself staring at my freshly painted pink wall feeling unmotivated and honestly, lethargic. (little side note, i just sighed and thought, “hey, this does kind of feel good. you know, journaling.)
the thought of breaking my gaze with my pink wall to actually go create something is terrifying. why? i don’t know. failure? fear of finding it boring? sometimes i can’t help but feel violently unequipped for life. like everyone got the jump on me. when ironically, people probably think the same about me.
i find myself wishing for more hours in a day; when in reality, if i didn’t spend eight out of twenty-four of those precious hours attempting to coax myself into doing something, maybe i wouldn’t feel that way. i guess all of this journaling, praying and rambling is me trying to work up the courage to admit yeah, i’m a bit discouraged. not because i’ve failed but more so because i look up at the mountain of dreams i’ve dreamt up and can’t help but let out the loudest sigh of my life—i’m suddenly and crippling aware of what it takes to chase those dreams and how long it’ll take to get to that mountain top.
but, what else do i have to do with my one and precious life? stare at my freshly painted pink wall?
i’ve always found a lot of courage by reminding myself i’m a dreamer—never once thinking a dream is too big or believing there is such thing as too many dreams. but lately, being a “dreamer” doesn’t have the same ring to it as it used to have in my instagram bio back in 2012. (really led me astray, john lennon.) nonetheless, i will forever remind myself that even curses can simply be blessings in disguise. maybe being a dreamer with pink walls isn’t so bad—by the grace of Jesus it’s gotten me here this far.
I hear this, I see this, I feel this. Thank you for sharing. People always say, “so what have you been up to lately, how’s life?” , and all I can respond with is, “life is good, just taking it one day at a time.”
So many dreams, so little time. But there really is all the time in the world if we can just talk ourselves into simply beginning the daunting journey and following the inspiration as it comes. Big or small, the inspiration will always come.
In a lot of ways I feel the same, you are definitely not alone. One day we will get “there”, but even in the “here”, there are beautiful things happening.
This resonates so deeply with me. Every sentence my brain was screaming “me too”. This was supposed to my year too and here we are 3 weeks in and I’ve felt uninspired and unmotivated and it’s really put me down especially seeing all these beautiful people around me creating beautiful things. All I want is to create and I’m finding it so hard to do so when I used to have so many ideas and inspiration was spurting out of me, so much so that I couldn’t keep up, and now nothing. It’s almost scary. My dreams, my ideas, my creativity– those are the things that get me through the day and without them I feel so lost, so empty. I’m not sure what I’m so afraid of either? While we don’t really have an answer, it’s so reassuring knowing I’m not the only one feeling like this. Thank you so much for this, I needed it.
This was me today, deeply desiring to pick a dream to attack, but I spent most of my day floundering, trying to decide or making half written projects that may or may not ever get finished. At the end I just retired to my journal and poured out my heart to Jesus. I seriously admire your heart for writing your journal entries. I’ve often thought of starting a blog to share the thoughts and desires on my heart that day. But haven’t yet found the umph to go for it. Afraid no one would read it and it would hit the deep spaces of the Internet void. But this gives me hope, thank you.